Reconcile or Move On, How to Decide

Should I Reconcile? You are older and wiser now, with experience, and a decision to make.

Your desire to reconcile is often a desire to live a dream. To revive your passions and the hopes you lived in the beginning. To return to Go and start over with a new chance.

Purhaps reconciliation is not only your desire, but forced upon you by others. Forced upon you by silent and sullen children. Forced upon you by a repentant spouse, full of promises and needs greater than your own. Forced upon you by family, religion, and tradition of the day.

Should I reconcile? Should I accept the hurt, the pain, and call it a day? Can I face the unknown, or is there more comfort in this familiar but battered arena? Yes, you are older and wiser now, with a decision to make.

How do you Decide?

On a blank piece of paper, across the top draw a single line, and down the center draw another line. At the top on one side write the word STAY. The other side put MOVE ON.

There is no secret or trick to this; simply write down every reason or excuse for saving or ending your marriage. Writing down one reason leads to another and another, the list can reach several reasons in no time. The point is to jot down the pros and cons. Your list might take a life of its own, growing hour by hour, day by day.

At least three things will happen.
- You will come to a decision.
- You will have realization of the issues.
- You have the start of a plan of action

Staying means taking action and making one more commitment to your marriage. That commitment is not yours alone. You both have issues to resolve. It is not advisable to take the easy way out by ignoring the issues. Face them head on.

Pay the price of hard work and honest communication. Without it, couples often fall back into old habits. A recommendable course of action is joint marriage counseling, and in many cases joint financial counseling.

Moving on means acceptance, and closes the option of going back into the marriage. While it may be sad, it also frees you to look to your future without the complications of all the "what if's".

Moving on can be like passing Go and collecting $200, knowing the next trip around the block might be better than the last.

In the game of romance, few things are ever black and white. Most of the points above are assumptions based on commonly used techniques. There is room for interpretations and misunderstandings but all this can make you wonder if everything is all right and discuss the problems you have.

Why Lovers Hurt Their Beloved Ones

Someone who claims to be "in love", should never hurt the love of their life. Love demands that you care deeply for your beloved. You should be concerned about their feelings and make them as contented as possible.

You need to keep them as happy as possible fulfilling their dreams. Encourage them during tough times and always be there for them. If you don't do these simple thing, then maybe your love is not as strong as you think.

This does happen in many relationships all through life. These couples do not have to worry to know about heaven. Their home is heaven. But some relationships, if a lover wishes to break away for any reason including feelings of being treated unjust, the results will be heartbreaking.

Let's look at what can happen. As the lover who wishes to break away remembers all the investments they made for the love, they will feel that all was a waste. All the sacrifices were in vain. They did so much for many years, and now look at the result.

This frustration and anger is directed towards the partner. At that time the lover who is breaking away forgets that worse can happen to the one they are leaving. Only selfish thoughts occupy their mind.

This is the tragedy of such love. The one who is left behind might have made more sacrifices and given a lot more to the relationship. They are puzzled as to why this break up is happening. It is like a sudden earthquake. That is why I asked, that if you love someone, why would you hurt them?

You Can Be Romantic

Why is it that so many people believe that they don’t have time or take the initiative to be romantic? Maybe most people don’t believe that they are creative enough to be romantic. Everyone is creative!

The word create offers a much broader definition than most people accept when it comes to the process of being able to come up with something original or simply well thought out.

Gifts that are considered to be traditionally romantic like candy and flowers are wonderful, but sometimes you need something that goes one step further. If your spouse enjoys flowers, you don’t have to settle for roses because they can sometimes become unexciting after a while.

Present them with something completely original such as a daisy or another flower where petals can be counted. Ask them to play the childhood game of ‘they love me, they love me not’ and watch them pluck the petals as they go.

However, don’t allow for the possibility of him or her arriving at the ‘they love me not’. Count the petals before you present the flower to your spouse and trim it so that there is an odd number of petals for the right outcome.

Arts and crafts used to be a fun break from the monotony of the school day, but believe it or not, it will come in handy when it comes to creative romantic gestures. Instead of promising that you will love him or her forever, show them.

Creativity comes in many different forms. Being creative can mean creating an atmosphere. If you want to plan the ultimate romantic evening but funds are low or you simply don’t want to have to leave the house.

Shut off the lights and imitate a power outage. You won’t have any distractions or heat, so it is up to both of you to keep the other warm and entertain each other.

Maybe romance is on your mind, but they are going out of town. Did you know that people on airplanes are typically hopeless romantics? Any flight attendant would be more than happy to make sure that your spouse receives a special present after the flight has left the ground.

Simply approach a crew member after your spouse boards the plane and they are usually more than happy to oblige a hopeless romantic like you. You might want to make sure that the gift is unwrapped or keep it to a single rose due to heightened security.

Creativity doesn’t have to come in the form of gifts every single time. Gestures like getting up and dancing with your spouse when a special song comes on the radio or TV is quite creative and incredibly romantic. Whenever the mood strikes you, allow your creative juices to flow!

What Is True Love?

The true source of fulfilling and satisfying loving relationships is not from seeking love, but is found within ourselves. Our own thoughts, expectations and behaviors determine the quality of true love we experience in our lives.

We can recognize true love as it is always empowering. True love gives, without expectations or demands in return. True love comes from a place within ourselves and expresses concern, kindness and joyfulness.

We know if we are experiencing true love by how we feel and act. Feeling needy, yearning to control or manipulate, planning or scheming to punish someone because they have disappointed us are not traits of true love.

Constantly finding flaws instead of acceptance, being possessive or jealous, and experiencing fright or sadness are all weaknesses that fill us with fear, anger and resentment. We can recognize that these feelings are not caused by true love.

These feelings are all generated by seeking to receive love from someone else. But we cannot get true love by demanding it or trying to force someone to love us. Love is never found with demands or ultimatums.

It is impossible to have true love by seeking it from someone else. These feelings make powerless victims out of us so we think our happiness is wholly dependent upon someone else behaving in a certain way. Only a relationship with God will give us true happiness.

If we find ourselves in this situation, the good news is, we don't have to remain in this vulnerable state that controls and weakens us. True love is within ourselves, and as we recognize this true love from God, we are able to discover enormous joy, comfort, kindness and happiness.

As we discover this power of true love, we will stop seeking love from outside of ourselves. We will know that our source of happiness is not dependent on the behaviors of someone else, but how our love is managed within ourselves, through God's love for us.

We, with our faith in God, are the only ones that create our own happiness. Our own happiness and contentment will cause us to serve another unselfishly, thereby receiving true love we want in return.

God's Purpose Of Marriage

It is discouraging to see so many marriages that are in turmoil these days, and it is especially frustrating to see them end up as messy divorces.

Without knowing the purpose of marriage, we will likely misuse or abuse it. Anytime anything is used wrongly or contrary to its intended use, we have frustrated the purpose for which it was intended and therefore misused it.

Before we discuss what the purpose of marriage is, lets talk about a couple reasons NOT to get married. You should not get married "To Be Happy". People, places and things cannot make you happy. Only a relationship with God will do that.

Another reason NOT to get married is to "Escape Problems". If you get married to escape problems, you are just creating more problems. As an example, a young girl says she wants to get married to get out from under her parents authority, especially her dad's. If she will rebel against her dad's authority, what makes you think she won't rebel against yours?

Now, why did God create and ordain marriage between one man and one woman? Lets discuss 5 biblical purposes God created marriage.

1. To Avoid Fornication. (I Corinthians 7:2) "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." Marriage is the arena by which God ordains that we express our sexuality.

2. Procreation And Rearing Functional Children. Morality must start at home. It is in our homes our children should be learning about the values of life. Parents should be teaching them about authority, about accountability, how to become functional members of the church and society.

3. To Serve And Love Another. Another purpose of marriage is for you to serve another. (I Corinthians 7:32-34) says that a single man or woman cares for the things of the Lord so that they may please the Lord, but the man and woman that is married, must care for the things of the world to please their mate.

4. For Two To Become One. Female, according to (Genesis 2), came out of male. Eve came out of Adam. And God brought them back together and made them one, in marriage; male and female.

5. Husbands And Wives Are As Christ And The Church. The home is a reflection of Christ and the Church. That's why it is supposed to have a male and female, a husband and wife. We are the bride of Jesus and he is our husband. The husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church.

Learning and understanding God's purpose of marriage will have a profound affect on your marriage. Stronger marriages lead to stronger families whereby producing functional, God fearing children who will pass on their Godly values to their children.

Work To Improve Your Relationship

Is there magic to what makes some relationships last longer than others? Maybe. Do some people just sit back and sulk, while others seem to let life go by right over their heads and problems? It sure seems so.

Or maybe it’s just that some people learn secrets of success from their grandparents or other relatives. And since the latter is probably more accurate, here are some tried and true tips from people who have enjoyed long, happy relationships. These are just a few ways you can work to improve your relationship.

1. REFRESH – Take time to look back, refresh your memories and share what brought you together. Especially when times are difficult, lean back and rely on these old memories as your foundation and glue yourselves back together with them. (not literally, of course!)

2. DATES – Keep dating each other. Even if life seems too busy, meet at the end of the evening for something light and easy, like viewing your favorite sitcom (record it if necessary) together or playing a game.

3. FUN – Couples tend to have fun on dates, then get married and become too serious. Lighten up! Head to an Internet game site and join in any number of card or other games. Or head to a local rental shop and rent a game player and some games.

4. FORGET – No need to “always” remember the bad things that happened during an argument. Actively “forget” sometimes. Be the first to apologize and make up. Go for it!

5. SPACE – Give each other some space. Either you trust each other or you don’t. People need time alone and time with their mates and other friends. Be sure to give and take your fair share of space.

6. DISAGREE – Agree that it’s okay to disagree on some issues, and leave it at that. No need to create a new religion or political movement just to appease each other. You don’t HAVE to agree on everything. And you won’t. And that’s okay.

7. MEMORIES – Make some great ones together. Enjoy special moments, special anniversary dates and events. No need to be elaborate.

So don’t just sit back and sulk. Take short steps and work to improve your relationship and let life’s problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationships.

Improving relationships require knowing what to do and how to do it. If you follow some tried and true tips, it is possible you can also improve your relationships.

Clues You Are In A Toxic Relationship

How can you tell if you are in a dangerous relationship? See if any of these sound familiar:

1. Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of others
2. Your partner says they love you, their actions don't show it
3. Your partner is controlling – reading your mail or following you
4. Your partner tries to make you dependent on them
5. You have changed to please them

Toxic people make you feel ill just being around them. So, why would anyone end up in a toxic relationship? Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel emotionally or physically harmed?

A toxic relationship has a cycle. You have a honeymoon period, followed by a blow up, followed by a reconciliation – at that point the cycle begins all over.

When you first meet a new partner, you are obviously in that honeymoon stage. It is not until you are drawn in further you realize that you are in a hostile relationship. Now it is difficult to get out.

Usually people in toxic relationships grow up in toxic homes. As a result, they replicate the patterns of their childhood without even knowing what they are doing. And, they may not know any better. Others believe they do not deserve happiness.

But the first step in getting out and staying out of toxic relationships is to realize that you do have choices. Often people who stay in these relationships have low self esteem or suffer from depression.

Once you realize that you have choices, the next step is to start standing up for yourself. In most toxic relationships, the offensive partner has taught you that it is all your fault. Once you buy into this, it can be very difficult to either walk away from the relationship or set new limits that can heal the relationship.

The good news is that some people are able to break the cycles of toxic relationships. Some of them leave the relationship and form new, healthier bonds.
Others are actually able to repair their relationship and stay in it.

The truth is that you can salvage most relationships. Sometimes it takes a little space. Other times, it takes counseling. But if both partners make an attempt, it is possible to renew the bonds in a healthy way.

The first thing you need to decide is that the relationship must improve or you have to be willing to walk away. If you aren’t willing to walk away, your problems will never be solved.

Once you have detached yourself from the dependency that is at the core of a toxic relationship, you can start to assert what you need from the connection. Refrain from nagging the other person. Say to them;“I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.”

A healthy relationship is a two way street. In a toxic relationship, the street is only going one way. You have the power to change that, but you must take the power into your own hands. You can find a more detailed plan to solving toxic relationships in my favorite book, The magic Of making Up.